As a woman I struggle with things everyday. I struggle with being happy at my job. I struggle with getting enough time in at the gym. Eating the right things. Getting enough "me" time in. Spending enough time with my husband. Being a good friend. Daughter. Sister.
As a Mom, my struggles are completely different. Am I feeding Keegan the right foods? Is he warm enough when he sleeps in foot-less jammies? Is the dog licking him too many times? Is his bath water too hot? Is he talking enough for his age? Is he sleeping enough? Should I read another book before bedtime? Two books?? But the thing I struggle with the most is knowing whether or not I'm spending enough time with him.
Drew and I knew tht when we had children that I would need to work. We found a wonderful daycare and I am grateful everyday that I have wonderful people looking after Keegan while I'm gone, but I hate that other people are looking after my child. My responsibility. My privledge. I hate that other people are witness to his actions, his babbles, his goods, his bads, before me. I hate that I am working ( a job I don't like) to pay someone else to be with my son all day long. To play with him, to feed him, to cuddle with him before nap time... I hate the feeling of guilt that sweeps over me everytime I walk away from him as I leave the daycare center to go to work. Picking him up at the end of the day is THE best part of my day.
I wonder if he notices my absence...I wonder if that bothers him...Does he know that I'm choosing to work? Does he appreciate why? I want him to know that I want to be with him all day, everyday, more than anything in the world. But I want him to go to college. And I want him to go to Disneyland. I want him to have wonderful birthdays. I want to take him on amazing family vacations. I want him to have gas in a car that takes him to spend time with his friends. I want him to have money to take his prom date out for a fantastic dinner. There are so many things I want for him, and losing my opportunity to give him those things by stopping working is not an option for me. If I want him to have all those things, then I need to continue providing a way for him to get those things. But.....I also want to take him to the park. I want to take him to the library, and to see his grandparents and aunts and uncles for lunch, and to have playdates with friends, and to surprise Daddy with lunch or coffee during the day... I want him to have me. I want him to know that I'm not working to avoid spending time with him. That if I could have my way, I would dream the winning lottery numbers, both Drew and I would come home, and we would play all day long, and watch cartoons all day long, and read books all day long and go hiking and fishing and biking all day long....
I often tell Drew that I feel like a step parent who has their children only on the weekends. I give my child to the parent who has them all day long, and I get the left over time and holidays when I'm available to be there. I ache for more time with my son. I yurn for more hours in the day to watch him play. To play with him. I want to communicate to him that I am doing what I believe I have to do right now, so that I can give him the best I possibly can, later.
I think that makes me a Mom.
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Oh Megan, hear my heart in this. This is coming from an adult perspective who had a mother who worked. I still remember skinning my knee and wishing my mom was there to take care of it rather than the babysitter. (I still have the scar, literally.) Looking back I would rather have given up a lot of actual things - the Disney vacations, a mom-paid for car. Maybe there is a compromise? A part-time job, etc?
ReplyDeleteAww Meg- this pulled at my heartstrings! I believe you are doing what you need to be doing and you are a fantastic Mom! Missing Keegan and feeling the way you do is simply proof of that. If it really starts to get to you, you can always sit down and put your bills on paper, then look at Drew's paycheck and see if you can make it. Even if you have to cut a few things out or budget a little more. It's possible to stay home (even if you only want to do it for a little while) but it is possible and to still feel rich! =) Take it from a stay at home Mom, it's amazing to be home..and I'm thankful that i am able to. In the same sense I commend you for working and doing what you feel is best! You ROCK!! Just remember that,and no matter if you are working or not, that little boy knows you are his Momma, and no one can substitute for the bond you two share!!!
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